“Hey, ready to go to the movie?”
“Yeah, just give me a second to grab my keys.”
…
“Well?”
…
awkward silence
…
“Don’t you notice?!”
…
“Uh…”
“I can not believe you! I spend hours on my hair, and not a single comment? You’re so selfish! Goodnight!”
door slams
Notice anything different about Klahanie lately? Don’t work up a sweat, you’re not going to lose your date for not being observant, but Klahanie has been in the progress of receiving a major makeover recently. A Klahanie resident would have to be in a coma to miss the constant road and landscape work, but few people know the purpose and plans of the project.
Dating back to March, construction workers have made their home away from home in Klahanie while participating in the first phase of the Landscape and Boulevard Project that is scheduled to be completed by August 17th. In this time, they have worked towards a single aim: making Klahanie Boulevard safer.
In order to accomplish this goal, foliage has been uprooted, roads have been repainted, and sidewalks reduced to rubble. The problem stemmed from tree roots destroying certain portions of the roadway, as well as sizeable paths of sidewalk. In order to combat this problem, the Klahanie Association opted for the logical solution: wage a war on nature modeled after the war in Iraq.
Think of it as a preempive strike on nature. We’ve got to fight them on their turf before the fight makes its way into our own backyards. First, Klahanie endeavored to uproot the network of uncivilized plantlife that had maliciously invaded the streets and sidewalks of Klahanie. Secondly, Klahanie mobilized its forces to dispose of all of the tainted cement, and then to replace it with obedient, Klahanie-sympathizing cement. Next, these roads were repainted after fading in recent years. A solid yellow line was even added in the center of the road as a symbol of power (it has also been interpreted as an act to prevent people from passing one another). And lastly, the Klahanie Association has planted its own foliage in place of the old regime, liberating Klahanie residents from the tyranny of nature.
Before the modifications, several stretches of sidewalk posed a risk of injury to walkers, bikers, and joggers due to the large fissures and ridges which had formed due to tree root expansion. Likewise, prior to the repainting, the boulevard was hazardous for cars as well, as the paint marking the lanes was barely visible during the day, and far worse by night. The lanes were divided by nothing more than the honor system without a solid yellow down the center, and impatient drivers behind law abiding ones spawned reckless passing and driving in general.
Although it is doubtful that speeding will cease on the boulevard anytime soon (and the 25 limit is almost guaranteed to remain due to the high volume of young children in the area), the recent improvements should increase the safety of its residents nonetheless, and until the Klahanie Association starts reaching into my pockets to fund their next project, I’m not going to complain so long as they don’t accumulate a several trillion dollar deficit.
Comments
If you are comparing the stripping of asphalt on Klahanie Boulevard to the tumbling down of Saddam Hussein’s statue in Baghdad… I couldn’t agree more.
Good article, though as long as we have lifeguards sitting around for $10 an hour, I will not be happy with the dues we pay to be a part of this great association. Seriously, they are paying several hundred dollars a day to let lifeguards sit around in the office, listen to music, and sunbathe. And imagine how much they are doing on a rainy day. It is sickening.
I don’t understand the introductory dialogue, though.
Better now, or still too vague? I wanted to keep it short since it was already getting somewhat long.
Just think of something catchy, I can kind of see what you are trying to do but I am looking for it — others think you’re nuts.
Cut the lifeguard jabs! Lifeguards not only protect our children from drowning, but they also give the working class hope for a better future. As I toil just minutes away from their post, I dream that one day I too can be paid to watch over women in bathing suits while drinking soda.
An additional messed-up note: There are more “senior lifeguards” at the Klahanie pool than there are junior lifeguards (I’m talking rank, not school class). Senior lifeguards are the ones that get paid an extra $1.50 or so per hour for doing the same amount of work, but having “toughed it out” longer.